i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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