We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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