youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Randomize
