So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
