The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize