Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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