The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
