I think I won the penis lottery.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
