so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
