census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You smell like a Billy Joel song
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize