That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You left your phone here
Wait...
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