Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
