I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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