I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
