Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
