paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
im having a threesome with these popsicles
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
