You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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