he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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