names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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