I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize