My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
