Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
