I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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