hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
