hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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