ADVERTISEMENT

• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  ...this stays between you and me

  Fav 6 1391 2472

  share tweet
  

• (609): View more from New Jersey

  He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.

  Fav 31 2921 7591

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (805): View more from California

  I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.

  Fav 4 3304 1890

  share tweet
  

• (303): View more from Colorado

  I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  I like the way you think.

  Fav 7 1989 875

  share tweet
  

• (248): View more from Michigan

  Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.

  Fav 6 2346 895

  share tweet
  

• (860): View more from Connecticut

  New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.

  Fav 3 1667 701

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (845): View more from New York

  Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.

  Fav 10 1117 720

  share tweet
  

• (227): View more from Maryland

  Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake

  Fav 7 692 1058

  share tweet
  

• (716): View more from New York

  I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.

  Fav 2 808 443

  share tweet
  

• (917): View more from New York City

  My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants

  Fav 2 126 163

  share tweet
  

• (816): View more from Missouri

  I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.

  Fav 1 30 44

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (417): View more from Missouri

  Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed

  Fav 0 81 33

  share tweet
  

• (616): View more from Michigan

  Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..

  Fav 0 48 14

  share tweet
  

• (409): View more from Texas

  We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.

  Fav 1 43 9

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (859): View more from Kentucky

  i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me

  Fav 0 13 23

  share tweet
  

Randomize