i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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