ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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