So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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