My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
