careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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