How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
