Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Randomize
