We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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