totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
