when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
