Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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