No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
