I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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