Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
