I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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