I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
