"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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