Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
