For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We are two peas in an std pod
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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