Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
