Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Couch. On fire.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
