You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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