Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
