You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
how does that bad decision feel?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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