Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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