mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
