Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
