I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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