its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
