theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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