why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
