I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Who did Billy Mays play for?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
