the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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