Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
