I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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