i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
