It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Just puked most of my soul out..
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize