it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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