I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize