the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
